Three Things We Get Wrong About Ego
February 14, 2024
Ego. Our ever-present companion, regardless of who we are, what we do, or what journey we're on.
In the decade that I have been coaching both individual leaders and leadership teams, there hasn't been any other topic or concept that has more regularly come to the surface. It is at the root of so many of our challenges - be it our own personal struggles at home or at work, as well as those we experience when working closely with others.
Ego. It really is the root of much of our suffering. All the more reason for us to better understand it. To know it more deeply and understand why and how it trips us up and what to do about it.
For years I had been interested in the topic of ego, but that interest has grown into a fascination as my coaching practice has grown and evolved. And the more I talk about ego with my clients, the more I realize how little we actually understand about it - and why it is so important for us to bridge this gap. As a starting place, let's begin with 3 things we get wrong about ego.
1.) The Definition of Ego
Almost every time I ask someone 'What does it mean to have a large ego?', the answer includes something along the lines of the following: 'Someone who thinks they are better than others'; 'Someone who is self-centered'; 'Someone who looks down on others'.
When asked to think a bit more deeply about the word and its meaning, people will often get to a place where they can acknowledge that ego is about the self. How they see themselves compared to others. This lines up with common dictionary definitions of ego, as noted below.
- The self especially as contrasted with another self or the world. (Merriam-Webster)
- The “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought. (Dictionary.com)
Now, I’m not here to challenge the definitions above, however I have found two definitions that I feel are both more accurate and, importantly, more practical and useful.
Ego is a constant preoccupation with our self-worth. (Shane Hughes)
Ego is the part of the individual that sees itself as above, below, or against others. (James P. Carse)
These two definitions hit the nail on the head for me. Let's be honest, we don't just compare or contrast ourselves to others. Our egoic thinking doesn't simply distinguish us from others. It's rarely - almost never - that simple. That benign. There's a reason for the common phrase 'ego is the enemy'; it's because our comparisons are more damaging than that. They are constant. Even obsessive. They never stop. And worse yet, we assume our self-worth based on them. We are continually ranking ourselves - determining our self-value with each and every comparison and ranking.
How we define ego is critical because with the correct understanding of it, we can actually increase our awareness of it and lessen the damage and harm it can cause us.
2.) The Two Sides of Ego
Perhaps the most common misunderstanding of ego is that it is about when we (or others) think we are in some way better than another. Most people think that ego exists only when a comparison is made and the comparison results in one person feeling superior to another. This is only half of the equation. The other half is just as powerful, just as prevalent, and just as harmful.
Every time we think of ourselves as 'less than' or as unworthy, that is our ego in action. Every time we hold back an opinion because we think it's silly; every time we don't think we're good enough; every time we quietly berate ourselves. That's as much our ego at play as when someone thinks they're better than others. It's all the same. It's all seeing the world through the lens of "me", and constantly assessing my worth in comparison to others.
"I'm not good enough." "I'm the smartest of them all." "My opinion is not worth adding to this discussion." All of these statements are equal measures of ego. And all of these statements get in the way of bringing the full you – the best version of you – to the work you do and the people you do it with and for.
3.) The Relationship Between Self-Esteem and Ego
For some, having high self-esteem and having an ego are one in the same. In my opinion, this couldn't be further from the truth. While they are not the same thing, they do have an interesting relationship with one another. To understand this, let's first define what it means to have high self-esteem.
High self-esteem is not thinking you are better than others - it has nothing to do with comparing one's self to others. In this way, it is quite the opposite of ego.
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. How you perceive yourself. And most importantly, how you value yourself. High, or positive, self-esteem is about affording yourself love, value and dignity. It equates to your belief in yourself that you will be able handle whatever unfolds (you believe you are able/capable) and that no matter what happens, you know that you are and will be okay (you are valuable). It means that you think your ideas, feelings, and opinions have worth. That you, yourself, are worthy.
That is not ego. But here's the interesting thing: there's an important relationship between self-esteem and ego. Our self-esteem is like a volume button for our ego.
If our self-esteem is low, our ego will most definitely flare up. The volume gets turned up drastically. This can result in behaviour that ranges from aggressive defensiveness to making oneself as small as possible, even invisible. When our self-esteem is low, we don't inherently believe in ourselves, nor do we believe we will be okay even if someone disagrees with us. Our low self-esteem leads us to obsessively compare ourselves to others. When our self-esteem is low, we believe we must be either better than others, less than others, or against others.
On the other hand, if we have high self-esteem, we can turn the volume down on our ego. It doesn't go away; it's just that we have control over it and can quiet it. With both high self-esteem plus awareness, we can manage our ego. And once we're able to do this effectively, we can focus entirely on the work at hand - our task, our goal, our mission - without wasting any time on how we compare to others. We can just do the work. Afterall, isn't this where our greatest fulfilment comes from? Doing our best work.
Some questions to ponder:
- When and how does your ego show up? What do you know about the situations, the environments, or the people that brings it out the most?
- What do you understand about how your ego affects your work or your life? When it's too loud, what impact does it have? When you are able to quiet it down, what benefit does it create?
“Ego is just like dust in the eyes. Without clearing the dust, we can’t see anything clearly. So clear the ego and see the world.” -- Buddha